Dante's Prayer : Heero's confessional by Hikaru Chan ______________________________________________________________________________ This one is set to "Dante’s Prayer" by Loreena McKennit. I was listening to the song one night, just before I went to bed, and some of the lyrics made me think of how Heero would really feel about Duo. But we all know that being a soldier, he’s sometimes too proud to admit what he feels, especially when it’s something as "weak" as love. He would tell Duo that he loved him, sometimes, when Duo was asleep. ^_^ But what would he do if Duo died before he could really tell him how he felt? And how would Duo take these things? He would know that Heero loved him, but could he really be sure? Sorry. I’m rambling now. Oi...this is probably a little, what the hell am I saying? Probably a LOT OOC, but that’s okay. I plead Literary License. So, nyah. = P Usual disclaimers. Gundam Wing does not belong to me, and I’m writing this entirely for myself, or anyone who wants to read it. There is no profit involved. Besides, if you wanted to sue me, really, you would end up paying more in court costs and such than you could ever get out of me. I’m poor! ^_^;; *~*~*~*~*~*~* When the dark wood fell before me Ahh, Duo. It still hasn’t sunk in that you’re gone. Sometimes, when I’m half asleep, I still hear your laughter. Not your loud, brash, American laughter, but that soft, sweet laugh. The one you only gave to me. You scent still lingers in our room, faintly citrus, faintly musk. I see your smile still in the mirror. Are you still somehow here? No. That is just a dream, wishful thinking, and it has no place here. But still, I feel you just over my shoulder, watching. How could you affect me so much? I, the Perfect Soldier? The one with the heart of stone? I was trained to have no feelings, no thoughts. I am a soldier, a fighter, a killer, a destroyer of love, not a cultivator of it. But somehow, you undid all my training. Just when I was beginning to truly accept these...emotions, you left me. Now, I’m lost without you. You turned my world upside down and didn’t clean up before you left. Duo, why? I did not believe because I could not see I was fine the way I was before I met you. At first, you were so annoying. Always talking, laughing, you took nothing seriously. Life was a joke to you. That was before I knew you though. I still remember the first time that we made love. You said "I love you," that night. You thought that I didn’t hear you, but I did. And it made my heart swell with joy even as my head dissected your words and discounted them. I could never truly accept that you loved me so truly, so deeply, so simply. I didn’t want to believe that you loved me because it would only be a weakness to give in to emotion. Those nights with you by my side were the longest of my life. Every time I almost had myself convinced that I didn’t hear you say that you loved me, you went and did something that threw all of my logic and reasoning out the window. I knew you were afraid to really tell me; afraid of what I’d do, what I’d say. But you could always kiss me, and hold my hand in the dark because you t hought I couldn’t see that warm glow in your violet eyes. You were so beautiful, and I loved you. And I was too proud and stubborn to say anything. I turned a blind eye to what was before me, what would have made me whole again. I failed. Cast your eyes on the ocean I also remember our last night together, sitting on the cliffs outside Quatre’s shoreside estate. You were going on about the darkness, how it covers everything and buries you in sleep, making you forget everything. Then you looked at me, your eyes burning with that intense fire that I so loved in you. "You’ll never forget me, will you Heero? If I should die on this mission, and never see you again. Please say you’ll never forget. Please remember me." And I laughed at you. What a silly request! You loved life, such as it was for us, far too much to die. We were supposed to be guarding each others’ back. Then, I somehow let a Leo sneak past me and it got your back. I couldn’t see in the dark. You never even had a chance, and it was all my fault. God, I’m sorry Duo. I failed you again. Then the mountain rose before me Can you ever forgive me? I let you die because I got too cocky. Can you believe that? I was proud of what I was doing, proud that I had you as a partner, and then I let you die. I let you die...No! Duo...god...it’s all my fault...can you ever forgive me..? How could you? Now I have your death on my hands as well. The tolls keep piling up. I’ve left mountains of dead behind me and never felt a care. But you...you’re something else entirely. In all of my time as a soldier, only two deaths have reached me in any way. That poor little girl with the puppy, she’d called me ‘brother’. Then you, you who had called me ‘lover’. If your god truly does exist, then I am certainly damned to your hell for eternity. Not even your god could forgive all of my sins. Why? Why do I have to keep failing? Cast your eyes on the ocean Now here I am, back on those cliffs again. If only this pain would end. Duo, I can’t make it without you. You were my soul, my heart, and now you’re gone. There’s Quatre and Trowa. How I envy them. They’re so open with each other, so honest. Believe it or not, old Stone Face Trowa smiles more than Quatre now. Hn. You gave me my smile, now I’ll never get to use it. The waves are the same color as your eyes. That dark, rich, smoldering violet. Your bedroom eyes. If I leapt from these cliffs now, would it be the same as being swallowed by your bottomless gaze? Remember you. How could I ever forget you, you idiot? You were my everything, only you never knew it. Maybe I’ll tell you tomorrow, when I visit your gr-resting place. Yes, I’ll tell you tomorrow. And I hope that you’ll hear me. Please, hear me. Please, remember me, Duo. Though we share this humble path, alone There it is. That’s where your body is buried. Underneath the apple trees. There are pink petals everywhere, falling like snow. You would love it. Your stone is by itself at the end of a little path. It’s well worn you know, we come to visit you often. Quatre always brings you flowers and cries. Trowa comforts him and Wufei is always grim and silent. I don’t think any of them have gotten used to the idea of you being gone either. But I’ve come alone today. It’s so quiet here without you. The grass has finally covered the dirt, masking the hole in the ground like nothing can mask the hole in my heart. The stone is so cold, like I once was. Until you, you stubborn bastard, touched me. God, my heart is breaking inside me. These damned tears just won’t leave me alone. If only I could be where you are. If I could somehow fly to your heaven and take you into my arms. I wouldn’t make the same mistakes, I wouldn’t let you go. Never. I lay down on your grave, I can finally say it. Your grave. The ground is soft and yielding, like your body. So soft, I could sleep here. Breathe life into this feeble heart I feel a warm hand gently shaking me awake. Did I truly fall asleep here? I open my eyes and am momentarily blinded by the sun. "Heero. Heero wake up. It’s time to go home." That voice! No, it can’t be you, I’m dreaming. But I rub my eyes and blink the last of the sleep from them. There you are in front of me, my Duo, with your warm smile and arms flung wide. "You didn’t forget me! I’m so happy! Now we can be together, forever, like we were meant to be." You hug me fiercely, and I return the embrace fully, without reservation. I don’t care who sees us. Wait a minute, I can’t hug you. You’re dead. "But Duo, how...how is this happening? You’re dead." But you just looked at me with those eyes, and then you kissed me, and I felt all of life come rushing back into me. That faintly electric tingle that you always gave me. "How," I whisper. But you just smiled at me. "Don’t be afraid Heero. You’re with me now and nothing can ever part us again. Take my hand and we can go home." I take the proffered hand. I don’t feel us rising, but I look down and there on your grave is a body. A body with dark hair, wearing a green tank top and black shorts that were long since too small; a body curled into a peaceful slumber from which it will never awaken. I look back at you, and you smile again. That same sweet smile that you gave only to me. I smile in return. "I love you Duo." "I know," was all you said, and it was more than enough.
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